Whole30 – A Plan for Torture

I already hate the writers of Whole30.  Not personally, I don’t even know them.  I’m sure they are really sweet people.  I hate them because they are determined to torture me.

I agreed to do a Whole30.

I have some of the greatest friends in the world.  I love them like I love my own family.  My girls and I are going to the beach together in May and they wanted to do the “Homesteaders Food Challenge” along with me for a short spell to get healthy, energized, detoxed and shed unwanted, extra pounds.

The Homesteaders Food Challenge is just the fit if you want to get healthy, clean up your insides, go back to your college weight AND eat ALL DAY LONG.

Here’s the kicker:

I grow, raise, hunt, pick, harvest or mill everything I eat on the Homesteaders Food Challenge.  Seriously, I do.  If you want to hear more about my crazy food obsession (101 Days of it) Here’s all the scoop:

As you can gather, not everyone is going to be able to do this Homesteaders Food Challenge as I do it.

My best girlfriends and I deliberated for about 30 seconds and the Whole30 came up as an option we could all do together & no one would need a milk-cow to do it.  I’m pretty sure the stupid thing was even my idea.  Go me.

Unfortunately, I had not exactly read, or looked into what a Whole30 was before I agreed to the bloody thing.

If you want to buy the book go here.  I highly recommend this particular book because the recipes are fan-dang-tastic.  This book has entire chapters on dressings, dips and sauces.  My family is a bunch of sauce & dip enthusiasts, so this is the right plan for us.  We like snacks, munchie things and of course pounds of creamy dips.

Given the name, one would naturally assume that a Whole30 would include “whole” foods.  

No.  

I thought it would be 30 days of eating “whole.”  Whole grains, whole corn, whole wheat, whole eggs, whole oats, whole cheeses, whole anything. 

Boy, was I wrong.

There’s no way I’m letting my girls down and I am a nut for a challenge, so even though I now realize the misery I am about to go through, I am still in.

What is a Whole30?

It is a 30 day reboot.  It’s a cleanse.  It’s ‘food freedom.

It lasts exactly 30 days.

The purpose of the Whole30 (I think) is to break any food addictions, cravings, habits or dependencies.  It is also a snazzy way to do some research into your own body (or your children’s) to see if you have any food aversions, sensitivities, intolerances or reactions.  Don’t get me started on that because I think the whole world is insane right now and “food sensitivities” are the new “cool.”  I’m fairly convinced all the “new” food aversions are due to how the foods are grown, shipped, stored, handled and processed.  It’s not necessarily the food itself that people are reacting to.

At the end of a Whole30 foods can be reintroduced one at a time so you can see if you react to anything (or if anyone in your family does).  I will probably go straight from the food prohibition to a seafood taco and a mango margarita, but that’s just me.

Anyhow,  here’s a look at what you can eat on the Whole30:

  • Meat (chicken, fish, beef, deer, rabbit, pork, etc)
  • Veggies
  • Fruit (Yes, you can juice fruit & veggies)
  • Nuts & seeds
  • Fresh herbs & spices (and most dried too)

Here’s what you can’t eat:  Everything else.  🙁

  • No legumes
  • No beans
  • No rice
  • No pasta
  • No corn
  • No dairy (I hate these people)
  • No whole wheat…. no whole grain…. …. no fresh milled grain… no ancient grain (double hate)
  • No whole grains… no quinoa…. no spelt…. no ezekiel… no kamut…. .. no oats….. none… nada… zilch (triple hate)
  • No sweeteners… not even natural ones.  No honey… no maple syrup… no stevia…. no agave nectar…. no artificial sweeteners…. nothing sweet ever.  (hate hate hate)
  • No alcohol (Boo)

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, here’s their worst rule of all:

You are not allowed to use Whole30 approved foods and cook them into some sort of baked good that might be enjoyable.  Not allowed.  This is the epitome of legalism…. which I hate…. but I get it.

  • I understand the “why” behind the rule:  we are trying to break any food addictions or habits.  If I am accustomed to having something “sweet” or full of carbs every afternoon as a “pick-me-up” they wish to free me from this bad habit.
  • If my body is used to getting energy from a dose of sugar (even natural) every 4 hours throughout the day to survive they want to help me break free from this sweet-prison.
  • Additionally, they want to help my body make the transition from getting energy from carbs to getting it from fat.  Starving my system from all carbs, sweets or even some horrible-makeshift-baked-good made with apple juice and dried coconut will

Ugh.  I’m gonna die.

Let me tell you the flip side of this tragedy:

IT’S ONLY 30 DAYS!

I can do anything for 30 days.

I ate only foods from my own hands for 101 days (Here).

Then in the middle of winter (when I didn’t have a garden) I did it again for 50 days (Here).

I can do this for 30 days – that’s 4 weeks – that’s nothing.  Remember, I’m doing it for my girls.  My besties.  I am a grain consumer, lover and believer that whole grains (freshly milled) are super healthy.  This abstinence is friendship, love and camaraderie.

I’m sure I will get in my quota of complaining in this short stint – but I am confident I can do it.

By the way – I’m drinking my milk.

I know – dairy is not allowed – BUT….

I have a cow.  I feed a cow.  I pay for that cow.  I milk that cow.  I take care of her, love her and scratch her and no writer of some diet book is going to convince me to not drink my own raw milk that I squeezed out of an udder… myself.

If you want to call me a failure, I don’t care.  I’m not avoiding dairy.  I won’t partake of any dairy from stores, but if it came from my yard – I’m eating it and they can call me whatever they want.

So……

The Whole30 starts on Tuesday, April 25 (yeah, tomorrow – sorry for the short notice) if any of  you would like to go through “Valley of the Shadow of Death” with me….

I’m heading to the grocery today to stock up on some goods to get me going.  I have some things popping up in the garden, but not nearly enough to sustain me for 30 days.

If you are as much of a daredevil as I am and want to play too, here’s what I’ll be eating my first week of Whole30:

Snacks in-between meals:

  • Nuts & seeds
  • Fruit (fresh & dried with juice)
  • Hard-boiled eggs
  • Veggies
  • Fresh juice (made with my juicer)

Dips & Sauces I’ll be eating:

  • Homemade ranch dressing
  • Avocado mayo dip (and dressing)
  • Homemade guacamole
  • Herb Mayo
  • Cilantro lime mayo dip/ dressing
  • Roasted red pepper sauce
  • Salsa
  • Vinaigrette Dressing

What I’ll be dipping into my Dips:

  • Fresh veggie sticks
  • Fried plantain slices
  • Sweet potato fries

For all the recipes that go with all the meals/ sauces/ dips/ dressings get this book from here or from your local library.  If you want even more recipes you can get this book too (or just google Whole30 recipes).

2 Questions for you guys: 

#1:  Have you ever done a Whole30?  How was it?  Did you die?

#2: Wanna do it with me?  

Answer in the comments below & Wish me luck!

You are going to want to stay tuned for this one!  If you are not following me yet – be sure to sign up to get all the meal plans and updates-  By email (here) On Facebook (here) Via Twitter (here).

XO,

Candi

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